Ollie

I’ve talked about Ollie in my previous posts. I should probably explain myself. When I first began recovery in September, my counselor Lisa had me read a book called Life Without Ed, by Jenni Schaefer. Like me, Jenni had lived for years with voices in her head, working toward unattainable perfection, and punishing her body. One of the most important parts of her recovery was to separate herself – who she truly was – from her eating disorder. She tells in her book that she had to realize that the eating disorder was not a part of her body or being, but a parasite that she allowed to grow, and often fed.

That’s how an eating disorder is – it attaches itself, it grows, we feed it, and listen to his or her whispers (often shouts). Just like in an abusive human relationship he/she convinces us that we can’t live without him or her. Before we realize that he/she is a separate being, we are unable to separate ourselves and believe that he/she is an essential part of us.

So, to make the distinction between her eating disorder and her true self, Jenni’s therapist Tom had her come up with a personality for it. For Jenni, her eating disorder was Ed (acronym for eating disorder). In her mind, she was able to think of her relationship with Ed as that of a dysfunctional marriage. Jenni first flirted with Ed, then dated him, had an abusive marriage, and ultimately, a messy divorce.

Lisa thought it would be a good idea for me to name my eating disorder – to make the distinction between it and me. I knew right away that my eating disorder was a female. She doesn’t act like a man. Instead, she acts like, well, like the Regina Georges of the world. She’s a bullying, conniving bitch. She talks about me behind my back, she pressures me to do irrational things, she manipulates and whispers and convinces me to believe things about myself that aren’t the least bit true. So, I knew Ollie was a girl.

Coming up with a name was harder. I couldn’t use a name I like – that’s clearly counterintuitive. I thought and thought, and every time Lisa asked me her name, I had nothing. Then I went to church. Sitting alone before the service, I took note of the Oleanders on the altar. That made me think about a book I love, White Oleander. That got me thinking about how the main character, Astrid, is manipulated by her mother, Ingrid. How, no matter where she goes or what weird turns her life takes, Astrid always succumbs to Ingrid’s overpowering grip. Finally, after years, Astrid is able to embrace her life, accept the past, and live freely. There’s a twisted kind of beauty to the story. I feel like in 20 years, I might be able to look back and see that same kind of beauty in my life.

So, I had my revelation before church even started. But Oleader was too long – my eating disorder would be Ollie. The things she tells me and the thoughts she plants in my head have become so natural that I often don’t notice them. When I do recognize my thoughts as negative, I often have to repeat, “Shut up Ollie. Shut up Ollie. You’re lying to me.” I’ve even yelled on a few occasions. She is always lurking, and recently, has been clinging to me, with end-of-school and holiday celebrations abounding. She tells me that my clothes are fitting (you know, instead of hanging off of me) because of all the yummy desserts I’ve been eating, not because I’ve (mostly) been able to stick to a balanced, nutritionist-prescribed meal plan.

Ollie is the one who tells me that because I’m sitting and doing relatively nothing, I’m lazy and complacent. Lately she’s been telling me that if I just hold on to my obsessive compulsive and perfectionist habits, I’ll really, really excel at my new job. Tonight, when my family has its annual Christmas Eve tamale dinner, she’ll start telling me that I’m losing control of all that is good, eating all that lard. She’ll try to convince me my thighs will be the size of tires on Christmas morning.

But because I know she’ll be hanging around, I’m ready. I’ll have my phone on hand and a friend on call just in case. I’m ready to step into another room, have a stern talk with Ollie, shut the door, and leave her there. Hopefully someday, I’ll be able to kick her out completely.

So, you’ve been introduced to Ollie. You know who I’m talking about now – she’s my closest acquaintance, tries to convince me she’s my best friend, but is really my worst enemy. She’s not a part of who I am, but my evil stepsister who just can’t seem to leave me alone. I’m fighting the good fight against her. And if you end up at a party with me, and see me talking to empty space, you’ll know what’s going on. It’s not as crazy as it looks – I’m just dealing with my not-so-imaginary frenemy, Ollie.