Resolutions

I know I’m a few days late on the resolution business, but give a girl some time to make her mind up about this business. Now for the real stuff…

            There seems to be a constant learning curve in life. Duh. I guess I should really say – humans seem to be unable to achieve perfection. Also duh. What I should really say is, I am far from perfect; I mess up constantly. I’m not the only one, but in this specific instance, it’s my mess-up we’re talking about. Specifically, I have a relationship in which I have become so comfortable with said person, that Person not only brings out the best in me, but I have allowed my most extreme and ugly self to attack Person more than a few times. Bad is not really how you’re supposed to treat someone you care about. Needless to say, it’s not ok to use this person as a scapegoat for my anxieties – to attack about meaningless things because I feel stressed and anxious in other aspects of life – not necessarily in the relationship.

            It didn’t use to bother me that I acted badly sometimes; I assume that the people who care about me most will just go on caring about me. But that’s not an ok attitude. It’s wrong. I’m exhausted by it. Acting badly bothers me now because I’m so tired of creating tense situations, tired of feeling guilty for days afterward – and tired of having giant messes to clean up. Life’s rarely tidy, but self-inflicted messes shouldn’t happen so regularly.

What does this have to do with Ollie, you’re wondering?

I’ve been facing up to (and sometimes giving in to) Ollie seriously for the past few months now. I now know that I can make a resolution about an inward problem, and I can stick to my guns. And I know that when I stick to a promise, it feels good. Now about four months into recovery, I have never felt better. I feel strong physically, I (according to a friend) “have color in my cheeks,” my thoughts are clearer, and most of the time, I am more stable emotionally…except, of course, when I unexpectedly explode.

So said person wants to know how to trust that I am serious when I say I know my actions have been wrong, that I am sorry, and that I am making conscious efforts to disperse the temper. For one thing, Lisa (my counselor) and I have come up with a set of actions for me to take when I can feel the early onset of a fit. Also, part of the whole eating disorder battle is dealing with anxiety. Just in talking to Lisa, in telling her about an outburst, and breaking it down, I am working proactively to make a difference.

Most importantly, I’ve made a resolution in regards to Ollie. For years and years, I said that I would face up to her – I would even pretend to face up to her – but I continued on in a destructive relationship with her. But in October, with the help of Lisa and my mother, I made a sincere resolution. I resolved that I had to fight Ollie – she was endangering my life – our relationship could not progress any further. That day, I honestly didn’t know if I could keep the resolution. But sitting here today, I know that I have a backbone. There is a long road to travel still, but my mind is headed in the right direction. I’ve stuck to my resolution.

Just like Ollie endangered my life, endangered my ability to finish school, and endangered the future I dream of, I know that past cumulative actions of mine have imperiled an important relationship. But tonight my thoughts are clearer, I’m calm and relaxed, and I know this is the me I prefer. The fight with my eating disorder has shown me that I can make a resolution – a sincere one – and follow through. I’ll never be perfect – there will still be days I don’t eat, and there will still be days I yell and cry. But as I work and as I fight, they will become less frequent. Every day I become more aware of my body and my mind. And with every new bit of awareness comes more power to ward off the bad.

It takes two people to make any kind of relationship work, and I am more than willing to do my part. Heck, I’ll go the extra mile. So for my New Year’s toast, I raise my glass. I’m learning lots about myself. I know I’ve always been a doer. These days I am being a doer for the betterment of my relationship with self and my relationship with others. That promise I will keep. This is for me and this is for you, My Friend.